i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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