Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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