I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
