Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
