"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
