my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
