so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Oh god it's open bar.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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