I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
