and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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