I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
