Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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