ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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