I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
