I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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