Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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