You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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