He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize