mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
