Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
