I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
