thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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