Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
