I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
