I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
