everyone is single if you try hard enough
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
