and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize