so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
