Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
