seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
