Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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