can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize