he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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