I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
