Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
