i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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