Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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