Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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