i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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