'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
foreskin is a definite game changer
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
