Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
