Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We talked him into tasing himself.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
