You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
