Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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