dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize