You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
