You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
