dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
