everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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