Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
