just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
