dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
