Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
