I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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