Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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