My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
