The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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