My girlfriend figured out who you are.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
