eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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