Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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