I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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