Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
