A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
