He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
