Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The air was thick with penises
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
