apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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