i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
