if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
