I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
