Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
