If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
