why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Randomize
