I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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