Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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