my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
